Heavy.

Today has seen the return of the dreaded blues.

Im currently sat in my flat, breathing heavily trying not to cry, nursing a fucker of a headache and trying to calm my breathing down......so far not really helping.

I need to write this down so I can vent, I cant call my mum, best friend, sister, its too late and I dont want to worry them.

This feeling is something I NEVER wanted to feel again and hope I never will, I've not had the blues for nearly 5 months now, and I was hoping it would at least push 6.

Every little thing has fucked me off today, I spent 5 minutes crying in the toilet at work, I wish I could have stayed in there all shift. The virgin media men turning up when I didn't request a visit, then making me doubt myself because they showed me the notes. I rang my mum in hysterics because I could feel myself doubting my own thoughts, and this was something I had people at work bollocked for after I had time off, because they thought it was funny. I have depression, I am not hearing voices, I am not loosing my mind, I just get really fucking miserable sometimes and I want to end it all. Leaving my purse in the car.

Also having people make comments about your appearance all the time, Im sick of it. I dont care what anyone thinks of the way I look, but I get fucking hacked off when people think they have the right to demean you because they think they can.

I tried on a size 14 today in H&M and it fitted, so ended up buying 2 tops. This is AMAZING news for me, but its now on the backburner because Im feeling like this.........Im still huge and I cant seem to be happy with who I am on the outside.

Im now remembering why I will never end it, because I love my family, my best friend, my friends, and large parts of my life. Im having a moment, that will pass, I want to crawl under my duvet and stay there. I miss my Grandad right now, and I wish I could tell Emma things will get better. These heartbreaking moments in my life are the reason that I will never go down that route.

I have wonderful things and amazing people in my life, I just wish this fucking depression would pack it in.


Im sorry this is heavy, its merely a vent.


x