Excuse my hair, but today was incredible.


I am an owl enthusiast. I have lots of owl toys, trinkets and Ringwald, my owl tattoo. I love Owls.

We went to a village fete today and there was a dog show (too many cute dogs I almost cried stroking an 8 week old springer pup) a mini petting farm, where I met the most handsome and adorable calf, who we named cow, Pygmy Goats and some boring sheep.

The main highlight for me was getting to see some owls, up close. Amazing. Luckily for me I got to hold TWO Owls, one was a HUGE Eagle owl, who weighed an fair bit and the other was a gorgeous American Barn Owl who was just so beautiful. I dont think I stopped smiling the whole time I was there, and I welled up a few times.

Basically Tony and his wife who run the charity go around the area with their rescued and rehomed owls educating people about the owls and birds of prey and encouraging people to touch and hold the birds and ask questions, raising money to save more birds who are being kept as pets etc. I think I was possibly the nerdiest person they saw all day, but I got a free fridge magnet for being a nerd and I got to have photos with and hold some incredible animals.

http://www.hollowellsteam.com/owls_to_behold.htm

I also got my copy of 'The Cove' today, which is a documentry about the horrific hunt/cull/murder of thousands of dolphins that goes on every year in Taiji, Japan.

I'm still pretty upset from watching it, but I would recommend watching it to anyone, especially if you class yourself as an animal lover. Richard O'Barry is incredible and the whole documentry moved me to tears on several occasions. Its barbaric and I just cant fathom why another living being would do that to a defenceless animal, and have no issues about doing so.

Just an incredible documentry.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Cove_(film)

Heavy.

Today has seen the return of the dreaded blues.

Im currently sat in my flat, breathing heavily trying not to cry, nursing a fucker of a headache and trying to calm my breathing down......so far not really helping.

I need to write this down so I can vent, I cant call my mum, best friend, sister, its too late and I dont want to worry them.

This feeling is something I NEVER wanted to feel again and hope I never will, I've not had the blues for nearly 5 months now, and I was hoping it would at least push 6.

Every little thing has fucked me off today, I spent 5 minutes crying in the toilet at work, I wish I could have stayed in there all shift. The virgin media men turning up when I didn't request a visit, then making me doubt myself because they showed me the notes. I rang my mum in hysterics because I could feel myself doubting my own thoughts, and this was something I had people at work bollocked for after I had time off, because they thought it was funny. I have depression, I am not hearing voices, I am not loosing my mind, I just get really fucking miserable sometimes and I want to end it all. Leaving my purse in the car.

Also having people make comments about your appearance all the time, Im sick of it. I dont care what anyone thinks of the way I look, but I get fucking hacked off when people think they have the right to demean you because they think they can.

I tried on a size 14 today in H&M and it fitted, so ended up buying 2 tops. This is AMAZING news for me, but its now on the backburner because Im feeling like this.........Im still huge and I cant seem to be happy with who I am on the outside.

Im now remembering why I will never end it, because I love my family, my best friend, my friends, and large parts of my life. Im having a moment, that will pass, I want to crawl under my duvet and stay there. I miss my Grandad right now, and I wish I could tell Emma things will get better. These heartbreaking moments in my life are the reason that I will never go down that route.

I have wonderful things and amazing people in my life, I just wish this fucking depression would pack it in.


Im sorry this is heavy, its merely a vent.


x

Regrets........

Right.

To some, this may note come as a huge shock, to others, I am sure its nothing.

I have decided to stop 'claiming edge'.

This is a personal choice, as was the choice of becoming edge. (which I do not regret)

I'm not going to go out there and snort ket, smoke cigarette's, down shots, sleep about - because that is not who I am.

For a fair few months, I have 'fallen out of love' with hardcore, and the scene , but to be fair I was never a major part of the scene, a few shows every few weeks and months, but playing a part, not so. So I doubt this will affect anyone, within the scene, If anyone at all.

I will say that I am sorry if I have let anyone down, I am still me, I just don't want to claim I am something that I am no longer 100% a believer in.

I'm not going to go out and get rat arsed this weekend, or any weekend because I do not want to put more pressure on my mental health and I can only imagine drinking will make things worse.

Roll on the sell out jokes, I can take them.

Again, Im sorry if you think ill of me.

x

Plans are being made for Birmingham Zine Fest, my 'Girls with Glasses night' I need to get myself out to some venues and see what people are charging.

Im also going to start eating better, not drinking pop.

I had this same feeling when I started to loose weight the first time round, now I have stayed the same size/weight for a good 6-9 mths now and the only way Im going to get smaller is by introducing exercise into my life.

I think like most things, my job affects alot of what I do, because I'm on a later shift I dont get home til late, I dont eat til late, I dont get up til late etc etc.

Alas, I have my sports bra and my trainers, I just need to get my arse in gear and stop dossing about on the internet all the time.


Lets see how it goes.

current boat floating songs.......

Girls With Glasses

When I moved out one of the things I had on my list was to put on a club night/show once I've got myself settled in.

Now I'm reasonably settled in, I have decided to do so.

I made a comment on twitter about how I wish I could go somewhere that plays 'Nanny Nanny Boo Boo', a friend said 'Put on your own club night, I believe in you.'

And here we are.

A venue and date are still to be confirmed, but I've set up a group on Facebook 'Girls With Glasses'.



x

Bella Swan is a total tit.


He's a guy, why are you putting your life on hold forever and giving up on some one who loves you for a guy who is dead and sparkles?

Jessica Hall is a total tit.

You are a 25 year old woman, you have just written a post about Twilight.

So drunkZszz rite noWwszz

I want to say how much I love my zinester friends, despite only corresponding on facebook/letters/emails/twitter.

Im finally getting to hang out with Em in 2 weeks and I'm so excited, the girl is beyond rad!! I like our random BBM chats at night.
"We're lyk so pop culture omgz" I've known the girl for a couple of years and now we get to hang out and have some good times.

In September a group of us 'grrrls' are planning a sleepover in Brum over the zine fair weekend, to include geeking out at the zine fair, shopping and getting our dancing shoes on, I for one can not WAIT!!!

For 3 years I have had the best friend I could have asked for, who has put up with some of my worst moments and seen me at my weakest points, when many people would just give the hell up and go. I dont give them enough credit for that. (SYG lyrics) I am a burden but I think I'm the best burden they know.

My sister is my ultimate, I love her unconditionally and have so much respect and admiration for her. She inspires me everyday and I love her more than I could/should love a person.

I haven't got a tonne of friends, but I would rather surround myself with a couple of people who make me laugh than a hundred who couldn't care less.

I dont know the point of this, I just wanted to tell people I loved them.

I love Bettie.

I have mentioned in my previous post about Bettie Walkers zine 'Anatomical Heart' which deals with mental health issues.

I received a suprise and glorious package this morning from Bettie containing her back issues (excluding 4 and 6) and two cute buttons as I seem to have misplaced my one she sent me , in my move.

I took my zine package with me to town as I was going to the bank, and read them as i waited for the bank to open.

Despite them being mini zines (half a5) they pack more emotion, content and feeling in than most of the zines I own.

As someone who suffers from mental illness, and having friends, family battle with it and also having friends and family who attempted to/have taken their own lives, the subject of mental illness is something that is terribly important to me.

I love Betties honesty, and simplicity, she doesnt sugar coat her illness, there is no softly softly approach, and I admire her for this.

It also made me realise (although I was aware) that there are so many different sorts of mental illness. Looking over all the zines, and looking at what I 'deal' with makes me think I shouldn't moan so much. This is the arse of mental illness, there are so many different levels and it is how we cope with it, how we are treated etc etc.

I am thankful for people like Bettie who are out there and putting their feelings on papers for other people to discuss and think about.

This is why I love zines, the people, the process, the product.

We need to educate more people, of all ages about Mental Illness, it effects more people than you think.


x

Queer.

I firstly would like to point out that I regret my 'Dissing' of Miss Nash in Issue No 2 of 'Rough Draft'. Although it was only small and not insulting, I just really regret it as I am/was/will remain a fan of her work, her face and her style.

Anyway, my friend posted this article on her Twitter this morning and I read it whilst being at work, I felt myself nodding along to parts of it agreeing with it.

http://www.afterellen.com/node/76790


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Queer


x

I realise that these are back to front, Im new to the mac game yo!!

These are a top 5 of my zine collection that I love.

The End.




'Anatomical Heart'
My darling penfriend Bettie writes this super mini zine, discussing her mental health/education. Zine Reviews and little insights into Betties thinking. I love this zine for many reasons, but I am a huge fan of Bettie for being so open and honest about her health. As someone who is affected by mental health isssues I can relate and find myself nodding along in parts. Bettie is inspirational.



"Pamflet" is awesome, its kinda like a zine/mixed with heat. I remember walking into the zinefest last year and Phoebe being on the desk right in front with a pile of pink zines. I picked 2 up and I fell in love. So much fun to read.



"The Worlds A Mess...." by Ms Ova Ree (Aka Em Ledger)
This was my first zine that I ever got my hands on and its the one that helped me find this scene/movement that I love so much. I gush about it and Em too much its borderline scary. Its a zine that I aspire to create, something inspirational. This is my favourite zine.


"Culture Slut" Is a perzine compiled by the super Amber. This particular issue is never far from me. I think its been a mini god send for me in the last few months with my own "queer" journey. Reading things that I can relate to. The Culture Slut series are a joy to read, I love the way they are put together and how its like a little booklet of art and sweetness all in one tiny zine.



"Your Pretty Face Is Going Straight To Hell" is a perzine created by the lovely Miss Tukru, who runs Vampire Sushi Distro. I have a major soft spot for Tukru as she kindly puts out my zine on her distro and for this I am truly thankful. Its a zine that contains doodles, rants, reciepes and insights into Tukrus life.

Rant/weekend.

Although technically not over, my weekend has been semi eventful.

My mum picked me up on friday after work to deliver me, along with the henry hoover (its not gross but I havent hoovered since I moved in, buying a hoover just didnt occur to me as important - flat being so small, me not making a mess)back to my flat.

The usual questions 'how are you coping' cropped up and I started to discuss quietly about my neighbour next door, and how he seems to have an issue with my neighbour upstairs. As we were discussing this issue, he had turned up at my front door and started to shout at my neighbour again, I would like to point it was 11pm on a friday night, most people are getting ready to go out so some noise is expected. Complaining that he had his son over for the week and he needed sleep.

My mum went out to throw a spider out and as she went, the neighbour put his foot between the front door and said 'I have keys to this house' (which he doesnt)at this point my mum stepped in between the two neighbours and said something rather loudly, I forget what exactly it was, I was shaking because my mum was putting herself inbetween a pretty heated argument, and said 'My Daughter Lives here....' she managed to sort the issue out and the neighbour fucked off. My Mum means the world to me and for her to just put herself there amazed me, Im sorry I am paranoid that the neighbour could of punched her etc.

I then sat up for a few hours and managed to sleep at about 3. I was woken up again at half 6 by the neighbour next door coming over to the house and going on one again. HALF 6 on a saturday morning. This waking me up made me get up and go shopping for food.

Later that afternoon, sitting in my flat, with my music on my laptop my bedroom window open I was startled by a short man tapping on my window asking me to turn it off/down. Im pretty sure my laptop is quiet so he must really be listening out for it. I carried on. pretty fucking livid that he felt the need to come over to my window/yard and tap on the window. Its saturday afternoon, its not 6.30am!!!!

Later on in the evening the neighbour turned up again having a go at the guy above again, despite saying that on a saturday night he wouldnt care. It was 10ish. As I went out of my flat (despite my mum telling me to stay in my flat and if I felt threatened to call the police) and told him to stop coming over as its getting repetitive, to which he replied 'Shut it you fucking dyke....'


Few things, I have never discussed my sexuality or anything like that with anyone in/around my building, why would I, does it make ANY difference, is it anyones business? No.

I have short hair, yes, but when does that make you gay/straight anyway. I know when I was younger I used to think that short hair was for boys, obviously I grew up. Maybe I am just naive and assumed that people would pick up on it too?

I am not gay nor am I straight, I do not see why people feel using someones sexual preference is a way of insulting them. Maybe I should wake up and realise that not all people are like the people I surround myself with. (open minded, non judgemental, patient and non-bigotted people)

I don't know why I have ranted about this but its really fucked me off.

I give up.

The best friend comes up tommorrow and I'm rather excited.

following on from my positive and awesome weekend, I had an awesome night last night.

I went to see the Punch/Comadre show in Notts, which was mind blowing.

I've cried before at shows, but Punch was different, I felt this overwhelming feeling, it was like being totally elated but I felt so good whilst watching the band play. Meghan is incredible and such a role model.

I also had some completely lovely feedback from my second Issue of my zine, which has been so nice and made me cry at work, but I dont care.

I wanted this zine to bring positivity into my life, and if it made people laugh, cry, think or just enjoy reading it, then that was a bonus.

I think because Ive read it a million times I dont get it, but I am glad people do.

This whole positivity thing was scaring me at first, now Im embracing it and its nice.

Ive started to question what I want from life, another journey I suppose, its scary and I just hope I can continue being happy.

Mate.

This weekend was swell.

I fully adore my best friend, and his girlfriend.

Vegan cooking, watching positive films, slagging off people we dont know but hate, stroking animals, Zine talks, Luke doing shocking impressions of Holly's face and my face, uncanny, also eating the best ice cream I have ever eaten. Veganism rules.

Quality over quantity, and I wouldnt have it any other way.

Gush.